Just when I think I’m out of the ‘nado chasin’ game, they pull me back in. And by “they,” I mean powerful ‘nado winds. A real ‘nado chaser doesn’t need barometers and other gismos. All they need is a full tank of gas, a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and nothing to lose. Me? Before catching ‘nadoes, I caught dogs, but where’s the rush? A dog can’t hurl a stop sign through your abdomen. National Weather Service still isn’t predicting any ‘nadoes. They got book smarts, and I got the street smarts. I just finished riveting a La-Z-Boy, an igloo cooler, and weather vane to the roof of a monster truck. ‘Nado mobile command center is go.

I once saw a ‘nado pass over a forest fire. That was the great towering spinferno of ‘98. Once saw a raging ‘nado strip the skin clean off a woman. Fortunately that woman was skeletal pundit Ann Coulter and no one noticed.

All the old ‘nado hands call newbies gusters. We do this because they usually die before we can learn their names. You can always tell a guster from a pro: they never keep a saddle handy. I’d like to see you ride a septic tank out of a storm without one! An F3 will put hair on a guster’s chest. An F5 will rip it off. It’s just the way of the ‘nado. Mandatory guster equipment: diaper, doppler radar. You wanna play with the big boys and earn your spurs? Face down a ‘nado stark naked.

I often ask myself what’s at stake huntin ‘nados. If we didn’t fight them out here, pretty soon they’d be poppin up in Boston and LA. I saw the freak Staten Island ‘nado last year. All the wiseguys pissed themselves. Me? I loaded a barometer into a crossbow. Try me, Mother Nature.

You may cherish your DVD of “Bridget Jones’s Diary.” But in a ‘nado, it’ll be your worst enemy. I once saw a copy of “Flicka” take a man’s head off.  And still there are those who seek entertainment in the shadow of a ‘Nado. Some people ask me what I think of skateboarders building their ramps in ‘nado country for extra air. It’s damn foolish and damn brilliant. I respect a man who doesn’t fear a savage wall of wind. TV pundits may think dropping a mysterious old Native American into Libya man to summon ‘nados against Gaddafi is a good idea – and their hubris will be their downfall. No one can ever control a ‘nado.

Ridin’ a ‘nado or having sex. Why not both?

Congress argues, walls get knocked down in Athens county. You know who benefits? Big ‘nado(s). If we keep fucking up the planet, mother nature will keep biting back. Or sucking. Or spinning. Or whatever the fuck it is ‘nados do. Time to face down the beast. I may get tornado fever or spinsanity, but what other fate befits an old ‘nado hand like me?

Actually I’m going to watch Top Chef instead.

From ChartingTheEconomy.com

TODAY’S NEWS: Healthcare “reform” bill passes, Earth continues to orbit sun AND rotate on it’s axis.  Conservatives panic about “socialist” healthcare despite the government having been entrenched in the industry for centuries and despite a critical misunderstanding of what the word socialism actually means.

TOMORROW’S NEWS: Health insurance providers will continue to be irresponsibly rich, the vast majority of Americans will continue to have poor healthcare, I will continue not seeing any doctors at all.  Also, police will continue to militarize, American ordinance will continue to blow up civilians in far away countries that nobody can point to on a map, the US will continue to be the prison state of the world with 3% of its entire population incarcerated mostly for statutory crimes, the State will continue to be the de facto proprietor of all land not already owned by banks ensuring that near-total reliance on government and capital remain imperative to survival, the credit industry will continue to profit from the never-ending debt of people who can barely afford their minimum payments, land developers will continue to create suburban sprawl, squatters will continue to be forced out of their abandoned warehouses and become homeless people who will in turn continue to be forced to wherever they are not visible, anarchists will continue to be brutalized by cops without badges while protesting peacefully, the best drugs will continue to be illegal and thus expensive and lucrative for the *other* gangs without badges who will in turn continue to be petty and violent, and the rest of us will all continue to work some shitty job for shitty pay under a shitty boss trying to realize an American dream that doesn’t exist, and public schools will continue to manufacture stupid, complacent children to fill these jobs: hard workers, loyal citizens, all-around dull fucks without a shred of creativity.  In other words: everything is going to be okay ;)

"This is an unlawful assembly! Disperse immediately, you fucking peasants!

"Stay in your homes!"

"Bob, get a shot of me fucking this guy up!"

Take THAT, Freedom of Assembly!

This child is now property of the State!

The land of the freeeeeee... and the home of the braaaaaave

God Fuckin’ Bless America!!

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25. Bright Star – Jane Campion (2009)

The unlikely romance between John Keats and Fanny Brawne, one whose epistolary manifestations have become infamous, is the subject of “Bright Star,” Campion’s best film in over a decade. Keats’s abridged life is given to us mostly in summer hours spent looking through or standing near windows, pursued by light. “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” begins “Endymion,” a perfect explanation for the endurance of both Keats’s and Campion’s art.

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24. Brick – Rian Johnson (2005)

A highly-stylized, hard-boiled noir set in high school shouldn’t work, but its resounding success in Rian Johnson’s “Brick” makes it even more enthralling, and is a testament to the director’s unique and fully realized vision. As Brendan (played with a tight-lipped smolder by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) navigates the seedy underbelly of his hometown to find his ex-girlfriend, he runs up against more than a few unsavory, if larger-than-life characters.

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23. The Hurt Locker – Kathryn Bigelow (2009)

One of the best movies about war ever made, Kathryn Bigelow’s “The Hurt Locker” erupts onscreen, bringing both humor and sense to a situation (the Iraq War) which seems to have neither. Sgt. William James, a bomb squad leader played by the phenomenal Jeremy Renner, could so easily have been a cliché―the new guy who plays by his own rules, jeopardizing his life and others―that when everything goes well (and it does), the audience can breath a sigh of relief. But even when bombs and situations are diffused, the sense of urgency never leaves the screen.

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22. La Niña Santa – Lucrecia Martel (2004)

Lucrecia Martel is the best Argentinian filmmaker working today, and her labors stands alongside those of Lynne Ramsay and Jane Campion (or, in literature, Alice Munro), who specialize in the quiet, often uncomfortable business of chronicling the lives of marginalized, lonely, or lost women. In “La Niña Santa,” a young girl takes it upon herself to save the soul of a middle-aged man. Heat, sexuality, and even faith itself complicate this process.

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21. Punch Drunk Love – Paul Thomas Anderson (2002)

Colors. Lens flares. Harmoniums. “Punch Drunk Love” is, like many of Anderson’s films, long stretches of quietness interrupted by loud, often violent conflicts. It’s also one of the only watchable movies with Adam Sandler. (In a moment of rare onscreen instinct, Sandler decided to play something other than “Adam Sandler.”) Philip Seymour Hoffman as the “mattress man” makes the film alone.

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20.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – Shane Black (2005)

Struggling through Michael Hoffman’s 1995 film “Restoration” recently disproved my oft spoken claim that I could “watch Robert Downey Jr. in anything,” but “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is such a smart comedy that it could have succeeded (in execution; the film did terribly in theaters) without him. But much better for the film, and for us, that Downey Jr. was able to bring his quick charm to Harry Lockhart, a down-on-his-luck thief who soon gets way over his head in a self-aware murder mystery.

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19. Shotgun Stories – Jeff Nichols (2007)

Jeff Nichols’s “Shotgun Stories” is more frightening than most horror films, and it achieves this through tense human drama and in the stoic face of Michael Shannon, behind which lies the trouble of an entire family. Two feuding families, joined by the recently-deceased father that left one to start the other, rush violently towards the film’s climax.

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18. All the Real Girls – David Gordon Green (2003)

David Gordon Green, until his associations with the Apatow camp, was a small filmmaker. He was concerned with small lives, small towns, and small moments, all of which bundled together to form significant changes in his characters. Green’s portrait of the American South, with its simple and direct dialogue, will break your heart before you’re sure what to make of it.

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17. Revanche – Götz Spielmann (2008)

After things go wrong in a bank robbery (do they ever go right?), Alex takes refuge in his grandfather’s country cottage, chopping wood and carrying a heavy guilt on his shoulders. What starts out being a film about love and crime soon transforms into a meditation on melancholia, and the abbreviated daylight of Austrian winter wraps its characters and their problems in a single, tragic bond.

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16. O, Brother Where Art Thou? – The Coen Brothers (2000)

George Clooney, John Turturro, and Tim Blake Nelson play escaped convicts in this reimagining of the Odyssey, encountering a number of fantastic elements along their journey home. Trudging through the South with a police at their backs and treasure out on the horizon, these three sing, dance, and laugh their way through one of the Coen brothers’ best films.

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15. The Station Agent – Thomas McCarthy (2003)

Thomas McCarthy’s films are primarily concerned with radically different and lonely people coming together to form an unlikely but surprisingly cohesive familial bond. “The Station Agent” follows Finbar McBride (Peter Dinklage) as he moves to rural New Jersey, reluctantly befriending Joe (Bobby Cannavale) and Olivia (Patricia Clarkson) and discussing trains, the weather, and irreparable loss.

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14. In Bruges – Martin McDonagh (2008)

Martin McDonagh is a name well-known in the realm of theater, but relatively unknown in that of film. His first feature, “In Bruges,” is a dark comedy filled with hilarious non-sequitur and politically incorrect slurs rattled off in thick accents. As two hit-men hide out in Bruges (of all places), one (Colin Farrell) gets increasingly annoyed with his location and increasingly guilty about his last job. Brendon Gleeson (the other hitman) and Ralph Fiennes (their boss) prove invaluable at dispensing McDonagh’s persiflage as well as his strange, somehow serious jocularity.

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13. Vanilla Sky – Cameron Crowe (2001)

Anyone who’s taken an introduction to philosophy class or seen “The Matrix” has been asked to wonder about the importance of reality in regards to happiness, and that if a machine could simulate happiness at a higher rate than we encounter it in our daily lives, would that machine be a good or a bad thing. “Vanilla Sky,” a remake of the “Abre los ojos,” evaluates what happens when that simulated happiness, that dream, becomes a nightmare. Bittersweet, the film came along in Crowe’s career before his love for music prevented him from making a watchable film.

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12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Michel Gondry (2004)

Nobody can explore the human mind so forwardly and with as much poignancy as Charlie Kaufman. Michel Gondry’s masterpiece “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is a confluence of talents, emotions, and stunning visuals, one that evaluates the necessity of memory, pain, and loss. Gondry has proven to be far less rewarding a filmmaker after Kaufman stopped writing his scripts, but this 2004 gem remains a strong case for both of their talents.

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11. The Royal Tenenbaums – Wes Anderson (2001)

Wit and whimsy abound in Wes Anderson’s third film. Detailing the lives of two divorced parents and the three child prodigies they raised (who have become less remarkable upon entering adulthood themselves), “The Royal Tenenbaums” shows Anderson at the height of his cinematic fluency, with wide-angle lenses and shots borrowed from the French New Wave circling around his brilliant ensemble.

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10. The Wind that Shakes the Barley – Ken Loach (2006)

The Irish war for independence was not exactly characterized by glory, and Loach’s harrowing film “The Wind that Shakes the Barley” does not try to change that. It is dark, it is depressing, and even in the small and fleeting moments of sweetness or heart, there is a pressing danger that surrounds each and every one of the film’s characters. Even when an uneven truce is met, more problems arise. It is a tough but entirely rewarding film, one that speaks not only to the cause of history, but to the lives that endured it.

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9. Adaptation – Spike Jonze (2002)

Instead of adapting Susan Orlean’s “The Orchid Thief,” Charlie Kaufman wrote a screenplay about how difficult it was to adapt the screenplay, writing himself into the movie in the process. In the hands of anyone less capable, this could have been a disastrous first-year film school mistake, but in Kaufman’s, aided by the deft direction of Spike Jonze, it is a complete success. Dealing with the difficulty of transposing a work across mediums as well as several-hundred neuroses that blaze through Kaufman’s head in the film, “Adaptation” is life-affirming in the strangest ways possible.

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8. After the Wedding – Susanna Bier (2006)

Susanna Bier’s films are not exactly happy, and “After the Wedding” is no exception. Melodrama at its very best, the film follows Jacob Pederson (Mads Mikkelsen) as he returns to his native Denmark to secure a grant for his orphanage in India, only to learn that it has several strings attached. A powerful performance by Rolf Lassgård grounds the film, even when he is thrashing about and yelling at the top of his lungs.

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7. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly – Julian Schnabel (2007)

Julian Schnabel practically reinvents cinema in order to tell the story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former fashion editor who was stricken with “locked-in syndrome,” able to move only one eye. The film grabs the viewer from its first startling moments, locking them in with Bauby for much of the film. Our only escape as viewers is found in his only escape as a man: in memory. The film crashes back through moments of his life, some profound and some deceptively banal, but all undeniably beautiful.

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6. The Barbarian Invasions – Denys Arcand (2003)

The Barbarian Invasions,” which continues 1986’s “The Decline of the American Empire,” may be the best sequel ever made (next to, of course, “The Empire Strikes Back”). Catching up with the ensemble cast that made the first one a success, “The Barbarian Invasions” focuses on the last weeks of Rémy, a college professor who learns he has cancer and gathers his friends at a cabin in French-Canada, essentially, to say goodbye. The film, like its predecessor, is one big, lively conversation, and is as funny and as genuine as it is heartbreaking.

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5. There Will Be Blood – Paul Thomas Anderson (2007)

Is there anyone better at creating larger-than-life, terrifying Americans than Daniel Day-Lewis? Paul Thomas Anderson’s “There Will Be Blood,” adapted from Sinclair’s “Oil!,” is reasonable proof against the possibility. With discord both in the clashing strings of the soundtrack and the nervous, sweaty desperation onscreen, Anderson presents a portrait of the furiously emerging country and the egomania that shaped it.

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4. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou – Wes Anderson (2004)

Anderson’s films have always been about reluctant, struggling fathers and the complexes they give their children, as well as all the people they surround themselves with to fight loneliness. Steve Zissou (Bill Murray) is perhaps the most solipsistic protagonist Anderson has put forth, and he’s certainly the most concerned with abstractions like revenge and legacy. Diving through dead-pan and David Bowie, Anderson’s send-up to Jacques Cousteau is essential viewing.

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3. Children of Men – Alfonso Cuarón (2006)

Dystopian fictions are a tricky breed, but Cuarón’s masterpiece is able to make the end of the world feel not only jarringly real, but immediately human. During astoundingly long takes in a world massaged, not inundated, with digital enhancement, Theo (Clive Owen) tries to make sense of what’s going on around him, where, in a world where women have stopped being able to give birth, one suddenly has. Amid fascism and anarchy, the dangers of the world loom and threaten the new young mother, the first beacon of hope in almost two decades.

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2. Synechdoche, NY – Charlie Kaufman (2008)

The scale of “Synechdoche, NY” is almost indescribable; it spans almost half of the life of Caden Cotard, a theater director who feels himself hurdling towards death and, what’s worse, irrelevance. He loses his wife, is estranged from his daughter, and he feels every other meaningful relationship he has slipping through his fingers. The narrative speeds up as the movie progresses, and we lose larger and larger bits of time. Kaufman’s film, his directorial debut, is tough, and certainly depressing; it is among a handful of films that has the power to truly change the way you think about life and how you live it, and is one of the most valuable contributions to cinema, to art that’s ever been made.

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1. The Squid and the Whale – Noah Baumbach (2005)

Many of the best films are aggressively personal; Noah Baumbach’s semi-autobiographical work “The Squid and the Whale” is a perfect example. Caught in the center of his parents’―both writers―bitter divorce, Walt (Jesse Eisenberg) tries to circumvent the pains of adolescence by imitating his father (see: poor role model) and reaching after some kind of literary precocity. He lies, he cheats, and he struggles against the anxiety of influence as his world makes less and less sense. At under 90 minutes, every single scene is essential; Baumbach’s wit has never been sharper than it is in this film, as the former lovers lob insults at each other behind walls of emotionally-detached double-speak and joint custody. With nods to Rohmer and Truffault, “The Squid and the Whale” articulates the difficulty of growing up and growing apart.

Even Kevin Arnold's little brother knows about the warp whistle

Hey there, got a few minutes? Great, then let me spin a little yarn for you. You’d better have a drink for this one, good thing I prepared this rum and coke ahead of time. What? Hmmm, tastes fine to me. Anyway, a profound revelation was imparted to me today, as I crafted a flute from PVC pipe following directions I found on the net.  Let me note first of all that I don’t actually know how to play a flute but after failing to forge a working woodwind from a branch of dead poplar earlier in the day, I needed an ego boost.  As the monumental plans to paint this flute orange and write “Warp Whistle” on it in order to woo hipster girls who enjoy reminiscing about retro video games they never actually played almost as much as they enjoy reminiscing about entire decades they wish they were born into, danced along my synapses, I was struck by a realization. No, of course I’m not alluding to you! Clearly you’re different. Here, have another drink.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I pictured myself playing the warp whistle theme from Super Mario Bros. 3 on this awesome DIY flute and realized that the warp whistle theme is identical to the hook from the Ocarina of Zelda: Ocarina of Time title theme! I wondered, was Nintendo just lazy and decided to recycle that melody or was there some deeper meaning I could fill up a blog post reading into? Well this is a blog post, so I think you have your answer. This is a blog post, right? Conversation? IRL? Huh. Did you finish that drink yet? Whoa, you’re not driving home are you? I don’t think you’ll be sober for quite awhile, you’d better let me take you home. Right now, actually.

Like I was saying, the allusion to the SMB3 warp whistle theme (played on an ocarina, by the way, another woodwind instrument) is hardly surprising considering the other connections between Ocarina of Time and Super Mario Brothers. Take a pull from this flask and I’ll tell you all about it. I love your headband, by the way, it really compliments that oversized waistbelt you’re wearing around your ribcage. So, in Hyrule Castle, the abode of Princess Zelda and citadel of the country of Hyrule, we can see though the courtyard windows a throne room, the walls lined with portraits. Help yourself to those pills in the glove box, by the way. They’re aspirin or something.

View of castle interior from courtyard window

Portraits, as we see here, of Yoshi, Princess Peach, and Mario respectively. Why in Farore’s name would these characters from a totally different Nintendo franchise be honored in royal portraiture? Are we expected to believe that Nintendo inserted them into the game as easter eggs? Light-hearted self-reference? That would be a much too parsimonious explanation to fill up a post with. No, I say! The real answer is plain as day! Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom must co-exist within the same game universe on the same planet! Your house is on the left, you say? Gotcha.

The most compelling evidence for this connection, however, is the existence of the characters at Lon Lon Ranch: Talon the jovial but perpetually sleepy ranch owner, Malon, Talon’s smoking hot barely-pubescent daughter, and Ingo the disaffected ranch hand. Have a look:

An overweight mulatto gent with a red shirt underneath a blue tunic with a grapefruit-sized proboscis, mustache, and caterpillar eyebrows. Now who do you know that matches that description almost exactly? You guessed it! It’s a-me, Mario! Here let me help you out of the car. Oh dear! You can barely stand up! It would be downright irresponsible on my part if I didn’t make sure you got to your door safely. And Ingo? Clearly he is Luigi. An older Luigi, bitter from years of being second banana to his vertically-challenged brother. Can you blame him, really? Luigi’s Mansion, need I say more? OK, I will. Mario is Missing. There you go. And that little red-headed tease Malon? Obviously the offspring of Mario and Princess Daisy, you know the seldom-mentioned red-headed princess that was just sort of forgotten after Super Mario Land until being reintroduced as a playable character in Mario Tennis. Oh no, be careful, silly! No falling down like that! It would be a heavy burden lifted from my conscience if you would just let me get you safely to your bed. I won’t take no for an answer!

So here’s my theory about the whole Mario-Zelda thing: Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom are neighboring nations that are on friendly terms. Mario and possibly Luigi, with the help of Yoshi and Princess Peach assisted one of the many previous generation Links in defeating one of the many generations of Gannondorfs and are honored to this day in the halls leading to the throne. At some point in the years between that adventure and that of Ocarina of Time Link, Bowser seized power in the Mushroom Kingdom forcing Mario, Luigi, and Daisy into exile in Hyrule, living on that ranch under the pseudonyms Talon, Ingo, and possibly Bridgett. I made that one up. Daisy gives Mario a child (Malon) at some point but dies of natural causes later, hence not being around the ranch anymore and Malon’s devotion to her mother’s memory via Epona’s Song.

That warp whistle theme in the Ocarina of Time title? Another homage to Hyrule’s “other” hero; Mario. Well I hope you enjoyed my little story. Oh, are you asleep already? Excellent. Excellent…

-“This is madness.”—C-3PO, on the nature of war

-“We’ll be deactivated for sure!”—C-3PO, on mortality

-“There’s one!  Set for stun.”—Stormtrooper, on restraint

-“Don’t act so surprised, your highness, you weren’t on any mercy mission.”—Darth Vader

-“You are a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor.  Take her away!”—Darth Vader, on secessionism

-“We seem to be made to suffer.  It’s our lot in life.”—C-3PO, on existentialism

-“Look, sir.  Droids!”—Sandtrooper, believing that everything made of metal is a droid

-“We’re doomed.”—C-3PO, reflecting on mortality again

-“What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.”

-“Vaporators?  Sir, my first job was programming binary load-lifters.  Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”—Uncle Owen and C-3PO, on climbing the corporate ladder

-“Uncle Owen, this R2 it has a bad motivator.  Look!”—Luke, on criminal psychology

-“But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!”

-“You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done.  Now come on, get to it.”—Luke and Uncle Owen, on wage slavery

-“Well, if there’s a bright center to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.”—Luke, on self-pity

-“You’ve got a lot of carbon scoring here.”—Luke, criticizing R2-D2’s appearance

-“Have you been in many battles?”

-“Several, I think.”—Luke and C-3PO, on PTSD

-“Well, my little friend you’ve got something jammed in here real good.”-Luke, on establishing human-cyborg relations

-“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”—Leia, on memes

-“Who is she?  She’s beautiful.”—Luke, on incest

-“Wait a minute, where’d she go? Bring her back!  Play back the entire message!”—Luke, frustrated by the disappearance of his pr0n

-“What message?  The one you’re carrying inside your rusty innards!”—C-3PO

-“I don’t think he likes you at all.  No, I don’t like you either.”—C-3PO, on ostracism

-“Please don’t deactivate me!”—C-3PO, on confronting mortality

-“Master Luke is your rightful owner now. We’ll have no more of this Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish!”—C-3PO, on bootlicking

-“There are two banthas down there but I don’t see any… wait a minute.  They’re sandpeople all right, I can see one of them now.”—Luke, it’s a trap!

-“Come here, my little friend, don’t be afraid.”—Obi-Wan, on the repeated victimization of R2-D2

-“You’re fortunate to be all in one piece.”—Obi Wan, on counting your blessings

-“Ben?!  Ben kenobi?!  Boy, am I glad to see you!”—Luke

-“The Jundland Wastes are not to be traveled lightly.”—Obi-Wan, on the counter-intuitive wisdom on not traveling lightly in the desert

-“Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.”—Obi Wan, on being a hermit

-“I think we better get indoors.”—Obi-Wan, on seducing lost farm boys

-“The sand people are easily startled but they’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.”—Obi-Wan, safari guide of the Jundland Wastes

-“There’s no sense risking yourself on my account, I’m done for!”—C-3PO, on melodramatic martyrdom

-“He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned fool idealistic crusade like your father.”—Obi-Wan, on Uncle Owen’s doucheness

-“An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.”—Obi Wan, yearning for the enlightened time of 20 years ago

-“Before the dark times, before the empire.”—Obi-Wan, misremembering the good old days

-“Vader was seduced by the dark side of the force.”—Obi-Wan, on the sexiness of the dark side

-“Surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together.”—Obi-Wan, on the Freudian nature of the force

-“You must learn the ways of the force if you are to come with me to Alderaan.”—Obi-Wan, moments before dropping his robe

-“Mos Eisley spaceport.  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”—Obi-Wan, but what about Coruscant?  You were there, dude, it was way worse.

-“I can take you as far as Anchorhead.  From there you can get a transport to Mos Eisley or wherever you’re going.”—Luke, goddamn dude, forget about those stupid power converters at Toshi station already

-“The imperial senate will no longer be of any concern to us.  I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the counsel permanently.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, given what we saw of the senate in the prequels, they probably didn’t put up much of a fight

-“Fear will keep the local systems in line.  Fear of this battle station.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on diplomacy

-“If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical reading of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.”—General Tagge, yeah unless they notice that giant exhaust port leading straight down to the reactor core

-“Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.”
-“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”
-“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels’ hidden fortress…”
-“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”—Admiral Motti and Darth Vader, on theocracy

-“These tracks are side by side.  Sand people always ride single file to hide their numbers.”—Obi Wan, on strategery

-“And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.”—Obi-Wan, on senility.  Stormtroopers?  Precise?  When?

-“That would lead them… home!”

-“Wait Luke, it’s too dangerous!”—Obi-Wan, who moments ago insisted that Luke accompany him on a dangerous mission to Alderaan.

“I want to learn the ways of the force and become a jedi like my father.”—Luke, I guess Uncle Owen was right

-“You don’t need to see his identification.”

-“We don’t need to see his identification.”

-“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

-“These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.”—Obi-Wan and stormtroopers, on the power of suggestion

-“We don’t serve their kind here.”

-“What?”

-“Your droids.  They’ll have to wait outside, we don’t want them here.”—Bartender, on irrational hatred of droids

-“He doesn’t like you.”

-“I’m sorry.”

-“I don’t like you either.  You just watch yourself, we’re wanted men.  I’ve got the death sentence on 12 systems.”

-“I’ll be careful.”

-“You’ll be dead!”—Luke and Doctor Cornelius Evazan

-“You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?  It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.”—Han Solo, parsecs are an astronomical unit of distance (about 3.26 LY), your attempt at a boast failed hardcore

-“Over my dead body.”

-“That’s the idea.  I’ve been looking forward to killing you for a long time.”

-“Yes, I’ll bet you have.”—Han Solo, on Han shot first

-“Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on seduction

-“Travelling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy.”—Han Solo, on hyperspace vs. crop-dusting

-“I felt a great disturbance in the force.  As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”—Obi-Wan, on geriatric dementia

-“Don’t everyone thank me at once.”—Han Solo, on the importance of gratitude

-“Cause a droid don’t pull people’s arms out their sockets when they lose.  Wookies have been known to do that.”—Han Solo, on losing gracefully

-“You don’t believe in the force do you?”—Luke, on the force, which he himself just learned about earlier that day

-“With the blast shield down I can’t even see, how am I supposed to fight?”—Luke

-“I call it luck.”

-“In my experience there’s no such thing as luck.”—Obi-Wan, on the non-existence of luck but the existence of something similar and even more preposterous

-“That’s what I’m telling you kid. It ain’t there, it’s been blown away.”—Han Solo, on covering up his poor navigating skills

-“That’s no moon.  That’s a space station.”—Obi-Wan, on semantics

-“You can’t win but there are alternatives to fighting.”—Obi-Wan, even though they end up fighting and winning anyway

-“TK-421, why aren’t you at your post?”—Imperial officer, on micromanagement

-“The Princess?  She’s Here??”—Luke, well she’s definitely not on Alderaan

-“Prisoner block, cell 1138.”—Han Solo, on esoteric references to other Lucas films

-“Everything’s under control, situation normal.”

-“What happened?”

-“Had a slight weapons malfunction… but everything’s perfectly all right now”

-“We’re fine.  We’re all fine here now, thank you.  How are you?”

-“We’re sending a squad up.”

-“Negative, negative.  We have a reactor leak here now.  Give us a few minutes to lock it down.  Large leak, very dangerous.”

-“Who is this?  What’s your operating number?”

-“Boring conversation, anyway. Luke, we’re gonna have company!”—Han Solo, on discretion

-“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”—Leia, on prejudice

-“A tremor in the force.  The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.”—Darth Vader, on repressed memories

-“Into the garbage chute, flyboy.”—Leia, on anal sex

-“Get in there, you big furry oaf.  I don’t care what you smell.”—Han, on anal sex

-“Will you forget it I already tried it, it’s magnetically sealed!”

-“Put that thing away! You’re gonna get us all killed!”—Luke and Leia, use your imagination

-“There’s something alive in here!”

-“It’s your imagination.”—Luke and Han Solo, on animism and reification

-“Something just moved past my leg.”—Luke and Leia, dear god, I don’t even have to try

-“I got a very bad feeling about this”—Han Solo, on everything

-“Will you shut up and listen to me?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level.  Do you copy?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!”—Luke, on sabotage of waste management

-“If we can just avoid any more female advice, we oughta be able to get out of here.”—Han Solo, on sexism

-“Look, your worshipfulness, I take orders from just one person—me.”—Han Solo, on anti-authoritarianism

-“Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?”—Leia, on racism

-“You seen that new BT-16?”

-“Yeah.  Some of the other guys were telling me about it.”—Stormtroopers, on esoteric perimeter droids referred to by model number

-“It’s them!  Blast them!”—Stormtroopers, on solving problems by blasting them

-“The circle is now complete.  When I left you, I was but the learner.  Now I am the master.”

-“Only a master of evil, Darth.”—Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on silly comebacks

-“Your powers are weak, old man.”

-“You can’t win, Darth.  If you strike me down I shall be come more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” —Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on reincarnation

-“You should not have come back.”—Darth Vader, on Monday morning quarterbacking

“They’re coming in too fast!”—Luke, on anal sex of the rough and group-oriented varieties

-“We’ve lost the lateral controls.”

-“Don’t worry, she’ll hold together.  Hear me, baby?  Hold together?”—Han Solo

-“I got him! I got him!”

-“Great, kid! Don’t get cocky.”—Luke and Han Solo, on the virtue of humility

-“That’s impossible, even for a computer!”

-“It’s not impossible, I used to bull’s-eye womprats in my T-16 back home and they’re not much bigger than two meters.”—Some pilot and Luke, on animal cruely

-“They could use a good pilot like you, you’re turning your back on them.”

-“What good’s a reward if you ain’t around to use it?  Besides, attacking that battle station ain’t my idea of courage.  It’s more like… suicide.”

-“Alright.  Well take care of yourself, Han.  I guess it’s what you’re best at isn’t it?”—Luke and Han Solo

-“Look at the size of that thing!”—Wedge Antilles, that’s what she said

-“I’m going in.  Cover me, Porkins.”—Luke, making up hurtful nicknames for your obese comrades will probably not encourage them to protect you

-“Stay on target.”—Gold Five, quoting a motivational poster

-“Use the force, Luke.”—Obi-Wan, molesting Luke from beyond the grave

-“The force is strong in this one.”—Darth Vader, can’t think of anything clever

-“Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer.  What’s wrong?”

-“Nothing.  I’m all right.”—Rebel Base and Luke, on Luke’s luddite sympathies

-“You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home.”—Han Solo, more innuendo

-“The Force will be with you… always.”—Obi Wan, assuring Luke that he will continue to be sexually victimized for all eternity

-“Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I’ll gladly donate them.”—C-3PO, on the power of droid friendship