Even Kevin Arnold's little brother knows about the warp whistle

Hey there, got a few minutes? Great, then let me spin a little yarn for you. You’d better have a drink for this one, good thing I prepared this rum and coke ahead of time. What? Hmmm, tastes fine to me. Anyway, a profound revelation was imparted to me today, as I crafted a flute from PVC pipe following directions I found on the net.  Let me note first of all that I don’t actually know how to play a flute but after failing to forge a working woodwind from a branch of dead poplar earlier in the day, I needed an ego boost.  As the monumental plans to paint this flute orange and write “Warp Whistle” on it in order to woo hipster girls who enjoy reminiscing about retro video games they never actually played almost as much as they enjoy reminiscing about entire decades they wish they were born into, danced along my synapses, I was struck by a realization. No, of course I’m not alluding to you! Clearly you’re different. Here, have another drink.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I pictured myself playing the warp whistle theme from Super Mario Bros. 3 on this awesome DIY flute and realized that the warp whistle theme is identical to the hook from the Ocarina of Zelda: Ocarina of Time title theme! I wondered, was Nintendo just lazy and decided to recycle that melody or was there some deeper meaning I could fill up a blog post reading into? Well this is a blog post, so I think you have your answer. This is a blog post, right? Conversation? IRL? Huh. Did you finish that drink yet? Whoa, you’re not driving home are you? I don’t think you’ll be sober for quite awhile, you’d better let me take you home. Right now, actually.

Like I was saying, the allusion to the SMB3 warp whistle theme (played on an ocarina, by the way, another woodwind instrument) is hardly surprising considering the other connections between Ocarina of Time and Super Mario Brothers. Take a pull from this flask and I’ll tell you all about it. I love your headband, by the way, it really compliments that oversized waistbelt you’re wearing around your ribcage. So, in Hyrule Castle, the abode of Princess Zelda and citadel of the country of Hyrule, we can see though the courtyard windows a throne room, the walls lined with portraits. Help yourself to those pills in the glove box, by the way. They’re aspirin or something.

View of castle interior from courtyard window

Portraits, as we see here, of Yoshi, Princess Peach, and Mario respectively. Why in Farore’s name would these characters from a totally different Nintendo franchise be honored in royal portraiture? Are we expected to believe that Nintendo inserted them into the game as easter eggs? Light-hearted self-reference? That would be a much too parsimonious explanation to fill up a post with. No, I say! The real answer is plain as day! Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom must co-exist within the same game universe on the same planet! Your house is on the left, you say? Gotcha.

The most compelling evidence for this connection, however, is the existence of the characters at Lon Lon Ranch: Talon the jovial but perpetually sleepy ranch owner, Malon, Talon’s smoking hot barely-pubescent daughter, and Ingo the disaffected ranch hand. Have a look:

An overweight mulatto gent with a red shirt underneath a blue tunic with a grapefruit-sized proboscis, mustache, and caterpillar eyebrows. Now who do you know that matches that description almost exactly? You guessed it! It’s a-me, Mario! Here let me help you out of the car. Oh dear! You can barely stand up! It would be downright irresponsible on my part if I didn’t make sure you got to your door safely. And Ingo? Clearly he is Luigi. An older Luigi, bitter from years of being second banana to his vertically-challenged brother. Can you blame him, really? Luigi’s Mansion, need I say more? OK, I will. Mario is Missing. There you go. And that little red-headed tease Malon? Obviously the offspring of Mario and Princess Daisy, you know the seldom-mentioned red-headed princess that was just sort of forgotten after Super Mario Land until being reintroduced as a playable character in Mario Tennis. Oh no, be careful, silly! No falling down like that! It would be a heavy burden lifted from my conscience if you would just let me get you safely to your bed. I won’t take no for an answer!

So here’s my theory about the whole Mario-Zelda thing: Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom are neighboring nations that are on friendly terms. Mario and possibly Luigi, with the help of Yoshi and Princess Peach assisted one of the many previous generation Links in defeating one of the many generations of Gannondorfs and are honored to this day in the halls leading to the throne. At some point in the years between that adventure and that of Ocarina of Time Link, Bowser seized power in the Mushroom Kingdom forcing Mario, Luigi, and Daisy into exile in Hyrule, living on that ranch under the pseudonyms Talon, Ingo, and possibly Bridgett. I made that one up. Daisy gives Mario a child (Malon) at some point but dies of natural causes later, hence not being around the ranch anymore and Malon’s devotion to her mother’s memory via Epona’s Song.

That warp whistle theme in the Ocarina of Time title? Another homage to Hyrule’s “other” hero; Mario. Well I hope you enjoyed my little story. Oh, are you asleep already? Excellent. Excellent…

-“This is madness.”—C-3PO, on the nature of war

-“We’ll be deactivated for sure!”—C-3PO, on mortality

-“There’s one!  Set for stun.”—Stormtrooper, on restraint

-“Don’t act so surprised, your highness, you weren’t on any mercy mission.”—Darth Vader

-“You are a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor.  Take her away!”—Darth Vader, on secessionism

-“We seem to be made to suffer.  It’s our lot in life.”—C-3PO, on existentialism

-“Look, sir.  Droids!”—Sandtrooper, believing that everything made of metal is a droid

-“We’re doomed.”—C-3PO, reflecting on mortality again

-“What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.”

-“Vaporators?  Sir, my first job was programming binary load-lifters.  Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”—Uncle Owen and C-3PO, on climbing the corporate ladder

-“Uncle Owen, this R2 it has a bad motivator.  Look!”—Luke, on criminal psychology

-“But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!”

-“You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done.  Now come on, get to it.”—Luke and Uncle Owen, on wage slavery

-“Well, if there’s a bright center to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.”—Luke, on self-pity

-“You’ve got a lot of carbon scoring here.”—Luke, criticizing R2-D2’s appearance

-“Have you been in many battles?”

-“Several, I think.”—Luke and C-3PO, on PTSD

-“Well, my little friend you’ve got something jammed in here real good.”-Luke, on establishing human-cyborg relations

-“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”—Leia, on memes

-“Who is she?  She’s beautiful.”—Luke, on incest

-“Wait a minute, where’d she go? Bring her back!  Play back the entire message!”—Luke, frustrated by the disappearance of his pr0n

-“What message?  The one you’re carrying inside your rusty innards!”—C-3PO

-“I don’t think he likes you at all.  No, I don’t like you either.”—C-3PO, on ostracism

-“Please don’t deactivate me!”—C-3PO, on confronting mortality

-“Master Luke is your rightful owner now. We’ll have no more of this Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish!”—C-3PO, on bootlicking

-“There are two banthas down there but I don’t see any… wait a minute.  They’re sandpeople all right, I can see one of them now.”—Luke, it’s a trap!

-“Come here, my little friend, don’t be afraid.”—Obi-Wan, on the repeated victimization of R2-D2

-“You’re fortunate to be all in one piece.”—Obi Wan, on counting your blessings

-“Ben?!  Ben kenobi?!  Boy, am I glad to see you!”—Luke

-“The Jundland Wastes are not to be traveled lightly.”—Obi-Wan, on the counter-intuitive wisdom on not traveling lightly in the desert

-“Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.”—Obi Wan, on being a hermit

-“I think we better get indoors.”—Obi-Wan, on seducing lost farm boys

-“The sand people are easily startled but they’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.”—Obi-Wan, safari guide of the Jundland Wastes

-“There’s no sense risking yourself on my account, I’m done for!”—C-3PO, on melodramatic martyrdom

-“He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned fool idealistic crusade like your father.”—Obi-Wan, on Uncle Owen’s doucheness

-“An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.”—Obi Wan, yearning for the enlightened time of 20 years ago

-“Before the dark times, before the empire.”—Obi-Wan, misremembering the good old days

-“Vader was seduced by the dark side of the force.”—Obi-Wan, on the sexiness of the dark side

-“Surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together.”—Obi-Wan, on the Freudian nature of the force

-“You must learn the ways of the force if you are to come with me to Alderaan.”—Obi-Wan, moments before dropping his robe

-“Mos Eisley spaceport.  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”—Obi-Wan, but what about Coruscant?  You were there, dude, it was way worse.

-“I can take you as far as Anchorhead.  From there you can get a transport to Mos Eisley or wherever you’re going.”—Luke, goddamn dude, forget about those stupid power converters at Toshi station already

-“The imperial senate will no longer be of any concern to us.  I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the counsel permanently.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, given what we saw of the senate in the prequels, they probably didn’t put up much of a fight

-“Fear will keep the local systems in line.  Fear of this battle station.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on diplomacy

-“If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical reading of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.”—General Tagge, yeah unless they notice that giant exhaust port leading straight down to the reactor core

-“Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.”
-“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”
-“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels’ hidden fortress…”
-“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”—Admiral Motti and Darth Vader, on theocracy

-“These tracks are side by side.  Sand people always ride single file to hide their numbers.”—Obi Wan, on strategery

-“And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.”—Obi-Wan, on senility.  Stormtroopers?  Precise?  When?

-“That would lead them… home!”

-“Wait Luke, it’s too dangerous!”—Obi-Wan, who moments ago insisted that Luke accompany him on a dangerous mission to Alderaan.

“I want to learn the ways of the force and become a jedi like my father.”—Luke, I guess Uncle Owen was right

-“You don’t need to see his identification.”

-“We don’t need to see his identification.”

-“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

-“These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.”—Obi-Wan and stormtroopers, on the power of suggestion

-“We don’t serve their kind here.”

-“What?”

-“Your droids.  They’ll have to wait outside, we don’t want them here.”—Bartender, on irrational hatred of droids

-“He doesn’t like you.”

-“I’m sorry.”

-“I don’t like you either.  You just watch yourself, we’re wanted men.  I’ve got the death sentence on 12 systems.”

-“I’ll be careful.”

-“You’ll be dead!”—Luke and Doctor Cornelius Evazan

-“You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?  It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.”—Han Solo, parsecs are an astronomical unit of distance (about 3.26 LY), your attempt at a boast failed hardcore

-“Over my dead body.”

-“That’s the idea.  I’ve been looking forward to killing you for a long time.”

-“Yes, I’ll bet you have.”—Han Solo, on Han shot first

-“Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on seduction

-“Travelling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy.”—Han Solo, on hyperspace vs. crop-dusting

-“I felt a great disturbance in the force.  As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”—Obi-Wan, on geriatric dementia

-“Don’t everyone thank me at once.”—Han Solo, on the importance of gratitude

-“Cause a droid don’t pull people’s arms out their sockets when they lose.  Wookies have been known to do that.”—Han Solo, on losing gracefully

-“You don’t believe in the force do you?”—Luke, on the force, which he himself just learned about earlier that day

-“With the blast shield down I can’t even see, how am I supposed to fight?”—Luke

-“I call it luck.”

-“In my experience there’s no such thing as luck.”—Obi-Wan, on the non-existence of luck but the existence of something similar and even more preposterous

-“That’s what I’m telling you kid. It ain’t there, it’s been blown away.”—Han Solo, on covering up his poor navigating skills

-“That’s no moon.  That’s a space station.”—Obi-Wan, on semantics

-“You can’t win but there are alternatives to fighting.”—Obi-Wan, even though they end up fighting and winning anyway

-“TK-421, why aren’t you at your post?”—Imperial officer, on micromanagement

-“The Princess?  She’s Here??”—Luke, well she’s definitely not on Alderaan

-“Prisoner block, cell 1138.”—Han Solo, on esoteric references to other Lucas films

-“Everything’s under control, situation normal.”

-“What happened?”

-“Had a slight weapons malfunction… but everything’s perfectly all right now”

-“We’re fine.  We’re all fine here now, thank you.  How are you?”

-“We’re sending a squad up.”

-“Negative, negative.  We have a reactor leak here now.  Give us a few minutes to lock it down.  Large leak, very dangerous.”

-“Who is this?  What’s your operating number?”

-“Boring conversation, anyway. Luke, we’re gonna have company!”—Han Solo, on discretion

-“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”—Leia, on prejudice

-“A tremor in the force.  The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.”—Darth Vader, on repressed memories

-“Into the garbage chute, flyboy.”—Leia, on anal sex

-“Get in there, you big furry oaf.  I don’t care what you smell.”—Han, on anal sex

-“Will you forget it I already tried it, it’s magnetically sealed!”

-“Put that thing away! You’re gonna get us all killed!”—Luke and Leia, use your imagination

-“There’s something alive in here!”

-“It’s your imagination.”—Luke and Han Solo, on animism and reification

-“Something just moved past my leg.”—Luke and Leia, dear god, I don’t even have to try

-“I got a very bad feeling about this”—Han Solo, on everything

-“Will you shut up and listen to me?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level.  Do you copy?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!”—Luke, on sabotage of waste management

-“If we can just avoid any more female advice, we oughta be able to get out of here.”—Han Solo, on sexism

-“Look, your worshipfulness, I take orders from just one person—me.”—Han Solo, on anti-authoritarianism

-“Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?”—Leia, on racism

-“You seen that new BT-16?”

-“Yeah.  Some of the other guys were telling me about it.”—Stormtroopers, on esoteric perimeter droids referred to by model number

-“It’s them!  Blast them!”—Stormtroopers, on solving problems by blasting them

-“The circle is now complete.  When I left you, I was but the learner.  Now I am the master.”

-“Only a master of evil, Darth.”—Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on silly comebacks

-“Your powers are weak, old man.”

-“You can’t win, Darth.  If you strike me down I shall be come more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” —Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on reincarnation

-“You should not have come back.”—Darth Vader, on Monday morning quarterbacking

“They’re coming in too fast!”—Luke, on anal sex of the rough and group-oriented varieties

-“We’ve lost the lateral controls.”

-“Don’t worry, she’ll hold together.  Hear me, baby?  Hold together?”—Han Solo

-“I got him! I got him!”

-“Great, kid! Don’t get cocky.”—Luke and Han Solo, on the virtue of humility

-“That’s impossible, even for a computer!”

-“It’s not impossible, I used to bull’s-eye womprats in my T-16 back home and they’re not much bigger than two meters.”—Some pilot and Luke, on animal cruely

-“They could use a good pilot like you, you’re turning your back on them.”

-“What good’s a reward if you ain’t around to use it?  Besides, attacking that battle station ain’t my idea of courage.  It’s more like… suicide.”

-“Alright.  Well take care of yourself, Han.  I guess it’s what you’re best at isn’t it?”—Luke and Han Solo

-“Look at the size of that thing!”—Wedge Antilles, that’s what she said

-“I’m going in.  Cover me, Porkins.”—Luke, making up hurtful nicknames for your obese comrades will probably not encourage them to protect you

-“Stay on target.”—Gold Five, quoting a motivational poster

-“Use the force, Luke.”—Obi-Wan, molesting Luke from beyond the grave

-“The force is strong in this one.”—Darth Vader, can’t think of anything clever

-“Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer.  What’s wrong?”

-“Nothing.  I’m all right.”—Rebel Base and Luke, on Luke’s luddite sympathies

-“You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home.”—Han Solo, more innuendo

-“The Force will be with you… always.”—Obi Wan, assuring Luke that he will continue to be sexually victimized for all eternity

-“Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I’ll gladly donate them.”—C-3PO, on the power of droid friendship