By Mizuti; hosted over at Christian Humber Reloaded's current home.

Christian Humber Reloaded is a dreadfully written incoherent mess of a story. The plot is essentially non-existent and does nothing beyond provide a thread connecting the various slaughters of its protagonist, which as Kriegsaffe notes in his lengthy deconstruction of the story, is “the most powerful self-insertion character” that he (or anyone, probably) had ever seen. It clearly is not a masterpiece, but that does not mean that we should not take it seriously. After all, it has antecedents in pre-internet literature. Not great literature, mind you, but literature.

Rolfe playing dress up.

Christian Humber’s unwitting predecessor is a man named Frederick Rolfe, also known as Baron Corvo, A Crab Maid, Frank English and Frederick Austin, among other things. Rolfe, a devout convert to Catholicism, tried and failed several times to enter the priesthood but nonetheless rendered his name “Fr. Rolfe,” an abbreviation that could be interpreted as a shortened version of Frederick, but was more easily misinterpreted as indicating that Rolfe was a Catholic priest (Fr. Is the shortened form of “Father.”) His magnum opus was a book called Hadrian the Seventh. The plot revolves around an eccentric Englishman and failed priest who is elected Pope and proceeds to do all the things Rolfe probably dreamed about doing; things like selling all the art in the Vatican, upsetting the stuffy papal bureaucracy, and issuing papal decrees condemning communists. And all of this is takes place in an alternate reality in which descriptions of pre-pubescent boys that are just a bit too admiring are rife and women do not seem to exist.

Despite this minimal plot, the book is several hundred pages long. Rolfe’s prose is incessantly flowery and often groan-inducing. By any regular standard, it is not a very good book. But there is a certain charm to it: a weird guy who wished he was a priest wrote, in earnest, an entire nearly 400 page novel that could just as easily have been titled “The Stuff I Would Do if I Became Pope.” Now that’s dedication. The same dedication, in fact, that a certain Christian Humber showed when he put hand to keyboard and typed out 40 pages of violent destruction with a character that undoubtedly served as a vehicle for some of his own fantasies. It is easy to point out the many, many flaws of Hadrian the Seventh or Christian Humber Reloaded, but that misses the point. These were written by actual human beings. It takes a certain type of person to put so much time and dedication into descriptions of their alter egos walking around in papal robes chain smoking or ruining the Super Bowl and then killing every human being in Miami (including the cops). As a reader, if one remains cognizant of this fact, it makes the reading all the better. Especially if the material is written in a way that abandons even the most basic literary conventions whenever they obstruct the dramatic rendering of the author’s peculiar fantasies.

Somewhat unrelated.

1. Stop reading this.

2. Why are you still reading this? Do something productive.

________________

25. Bright Star – Jane Campion (2009)

The unlikely romance between John Keats and Fanny Brawne, one whose epistolary manifestations have become infamous, is the subject of “Bright Star,” Campion’s best film in over a decade. Keats’s abridged life is given to us mostly in summer hours spent looking through or standing near windows, pursued by light. “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” begins “Endymion,” a perfect explanation for the endurance of both Keats’s and Campion’s art.

________________

24. Brick – Rian Johnson (2005)

A highly-stylized, hard-boiled noir set in high school shouldn’t work, but its resounding success in Rian Johnson’s “Brick” makes it even more enthralling, and is a testament to the director’s unique and fully realized vision. As Brendan (played with a tight-lipped smolder by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) navigates the seedy underbelly of his hometown to find his ex-girlfriend, he runs up against more than a few unsavory, if larger-than-life characters.

________________

23. The Hurt Locker – Kathryn Bigelow (2009)

One of the best movies about war ever made, Kathryn Bigelow’s “The Hurt Locker” erupts onscreen, bringing both humor and sense to a situation (the Iraq War) which seems to have neither. Sgt. William James, a bomb squad leader played by the phenomenal Jeremy Renner, could so easily have been a cliché―the new guy who plays by his own rules, jeopardizing his life and others―that when everything goes well (and it does), the audience can breath a sigh of relief. But even when bombs and situations are diffused, the sense of urgency never leaves the screen.

________________

22. La Niña Santa – Lucrecia Martel (2004)

Lucrecia Martel is the best Argentinian filmmaker working today, and her labors stands alongside those of Lynne Ramsay and Jane Campion (or, in literature, Alice Munro), who specialize in the quiet, often uncomfortable business of chronicling the lives of marginalized, lonely, or lost women. In “La Niña Santa,” a young girl takes it upon herself to save the soul of a middle-aged man. Heat, sexuality, and even faith itself complicate this process.

________________

21. Punch Drunk Love – Paul Thomas Anderson (2002)

Colors. Lens flares. Harmoniums. “Punch Drunk Love” is, like many of Anderson’s films, long stretches of quietness interrupted by loud, often violent conflicts. It’s also one of the only watchable movies with Adam Sandler. (In a moment of rare onscreen instinct, Sandler decided to play something other than “Adam Sandler.”) Philip Seymour Hoffman as the “mattress man” makes the film alone.

________________

20.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – Shane Black (2005)

Struggling through Michael Hoffman’s 1995 film “Restoration” recently disproved my oft spoken claim that I could “watch Robert Downey Jr. in anything,” but “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is such a smart comedy that it could have succeeded (in execution; the film did terribly in theaters) without him. But much better for the film, and for us, that Downey Jr. was able to bring his quick charm to Harry Lockhart, a down-on-his-luck thief who soon gets way over his head in a self-aware murder mystery.

________________

19. Shotgun Stories – Jeff Nichols (2007)

Jeff Nichols’s “Shotgun Stories” is more frightening than most horror films, and it achieves this through tense human drama and in the stoic face of Michael Shannon, behind which lies the trouble of an entire family. Two feuding families, joined by the recently-deceased father that left one to start the other, rush violently towards the film’s climax.

________________

18. All the Real Girls – David Gordon Green (2003)

David Gordon Green, until his associations with the Apatow camp, was a small filmmaker. He was concerned with small lives, small towns, and small moments, all of which bundled together to form significant changes in his characters. Green’s portrait of the American South, with its simple and direct dialogue, will break your heart before you’re sure what to make of it.

________________

17. Revanche – Götz Spielmann (2008)

After things go wrong in a bank robbery (do they ever go right?), Alex takes refuge in his grandfather’s country cottage, chopping wood and carrying a heavy guilt on his shoulders. What starts out being a film about love and crime soon transforms into a meditation on melancholia, and the abbreviated daylight of Austrian winter wraps its characters and their problems in a single, tragic bond.

________________

16. O, Brother Where Art Thou? – The Coen Brothers (2000)

George Clooney, John Turturro, and Tim Blake Nelson play escaped convicts in this reimagining of the Odyssey, encountering a number of fantastic elements along their journey home. Trudging through the South with a police at their backs and treasure out on the horizon, these three sing, dance, and laugh their way through one of the Coen brothers’ best films.

________________

15. The Station Agent – Thomas McCarthy (2003)

Thomas McCarthy’s films are primarily concerned with radically different and lonely people coming together to form an unlikely but surprisingly cohesive familial bond. “The Station Agent” follows Finbar McBride (Peter Dinklage) as he moves to rural New Jersey, reluctantly befriending Joe (Bobby Cannavale) and Olivia (Patricia Clarkson) and discussing trains, the weather, and irreparable loss.

________________

14. In Bruges – Martin McDonagh (2008)

Martin McDonagh is a name well-known in the realm of theater, but relatively unknown in that of film. His first feature, “In Bruges,” is a dark comedy filled with hilarious non-sequitur and politically incorrect slurs rattled off in thick accents. As two hit-men hide out in Bruges (of all places), one (Colin Farrell) gets increasingly annoyed with his location and increasingly guilty about his last job. Brendon Gleeson (the other hitman) and Ralph Fiennes (their boss) prove invaluable at dispensing McDonagh’s persiflage as well as his strange, somehow serious jocularity.

________________

13. Vanilla Sky – Cameron Crowe (2001)

Anyone who’s taken an introduction to philosophy class or seen “The Matrix” has been asked to wonder about the importance of reality in regards to happiness, and that if a machine could simulate happiness at a higher rate than we encounter it in our daily lives, would that machine be a good or a bad thing. “Vanilla Sky,” a remake of the “Abre los ojos,” evaluates what happens when that simulated happiness, that dream, becomes a nightmare. Bittersweet, the film came along in Crowe’s career before his love for music prevented him from making a watchable film.

________________

12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Michel Gondry (2004)

Nobody can explore the human mind so forwardly and with as much poignancy as Charlie Kaufman. Michel Gondry’s masterpiece “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is a confluence of talents, emotions, and stunning visuals, one that evaluates the necessity of memory, pain, and loss. Gondry has proven to be far less rewarding a filmmaker after Kaufman stopped writing his scripts, but this 2004 gem remains a strong case for both of their talents.

________________

11. The Royal Tenenbaums – Wes Anderson (2001)

Wit and whimsy abound in Wes Anderson’s third film. Detailing the lives of two divorced parents and the three child prodigies they raised (who have become less remarkable upon entering adulthood themselves), “The Royal Tenenbaums” shows Anderson at the height of his cinematic fluency, with wide-angle lenses and shots borrowed from the French New Wave circling around his brilliant ensemble.

________________

10. The Wind that Shakes the Barley – Ken Loach (2006)

The Irish war for independence was not exactly characterized by glory, and Loach’s harrowing film “The Wind that Shakes the Barley” does not try to change that. It is dark, it is depressing, and even in the small and fleeting moments of sweetness or heart, there is a pressing danger that surrounds each and every one of the film’s characters. Even when an uneven truce is met, more problems arise. It is a tough but entirely rewarding film, one that speaks not only to the cause of history, but to the lives that endured it.

________________

9. Adaptation – Spike Jonze (2002)

Instead of adapting Susan Orlean’s “The Orchid Thief,” Charlie Kaufman wrote a screenplay about how difficult it was to adapt the screenplay, writing himself into the movie in the process. In the hands of anyone less capable, this could have been a disastrous first-year film school mistake, but in Kaufman’s, aided by the deft direction of Spike Jonze, it is a complete success. Dealing with the difficulty of transposing a work across mediums as well as several-hundred neuroses that blaze through Kaufman’s head in the film, “Adaptation” is life-affirming in the strangest ways possible.

________________

8. After the Wedding – Susanna Bier (2006)

Susanna Bier’s films are not exactly happy, and “After the Wedding” is no exception. Melodrama at its very best, the film follows Jacob Pederson (Mads Mikkelsen) as he returns to his native Denmark to secure a grant for his orphanage in India, only to learn that it has several strings attached. A powerful performance by Rolf Lassgård grounds the film, even when he is thrashing about and yelling at the top of his lungs.

________________

7. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly – Julian Schnabel (2007)

Julian Schnabel practically reinvents cinema in order to tell the story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former fashion editor who was stricken with “locked-in syndrome,” able to move only one eye. The film grabs the viewer from its first startling moments, locking them in with Bauby for much of the film. Our only escape as viewers is found in his only escape as a man: in memory. The film crashes back through moments of his life, some profound and some deceptively banal, but all undeniably beautiful.

________________

6. The Barbarian Invasions – Denys Arcand (2003)

The Barbarian Invasions,” which continues 1986’s “The Decline of the American Empire,” may be the best sequel ever made (next to, of course, “The Empire Strikes Back”). Catching up with the ensemble cast that made the first one a success, “The Barbarian Invasions” focuses on the last weeks of Rémy, a college professor who learns he has cancer and gathers his friends at a cabin in French-Canada, essentially, to say goodbye. The film, like its predecessor, is one big, lively conversation, and is as funny and as genuine as it is heartbreaking.

________________

5. There Will Be Blood – Paul Thomas Anderson (2007)

Is there anyone better at creating larger-than-life, terrifying Americans than Daniel Day-Lewis? Paul Thomas Anderson’s “There Will Be Blood,” adapted from Sinclair’s “Oil!,” is reasonable proof against the possibility. With discord both in the clashing strings of the soundtrack and the nervous, sweaty desperation onscreen, Anderson presents a portrait of the furiously emerging country and the egomania that shaped it.

________________

4. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou – Wes Anderson (2004)

Anderson’s films have always been about reluctant, struggling fathers and the complexes they give their children, as well as all the people they surround themselves with to fight loneliness. Steve Zissou (Bill Murray) is perhaps the most solipsistic protagonist Anderson has put forth, and he’s certainly the most concerned with abstractions like revenge and legacy. Diving through dead-pan and David Bowie, Anderson’s send-up to Jacques Cousteau is essential viewing.

________________

3. Children of Men – Alfonso Cuarón (2006)

Dystopian fictions are a tricky breed, but Cuarón’s masterpiece is able to make the end of the world feel not only jarringly real, but immediately human. During astoundingly long takes in a world massaged, not inundated, with digital enhancement, Theo (Clive Owen) tries to make sense of what’s going on around him, where, in a world where women have stopped being able to give birth, one suddenly has. Amid fascism and anarchy, the dangers of the world loom and threaten the new young mother, the first beacon of hope in almost two decades.

________________

2. Synechdoche, NY – Charlie Kaufman (2008)

The scale of “Synechdoche, NY” is almost indescribable; it spans almost half of the life of Caden Cotard, a theater director who feels himself hurdling towards death and, what’s worse, irrelevance. He loses his wife, is estranged from his daughter, and he feels every other meaningful relationship he has slipping through his fingers. The narrative speeds up as the movie progresses, and we lose larger and larger bits of time. Kaufman’s film, his directorial debut, is tough, and certainly depressing; it is among a handful of films that has the power to truly change the way you think about life and how you live it, and is one of the most valuable contributions to cinema, to art that’s ever been made.

________________

1. The Squid and the Whale – Noah Baumbach (2005)

Many of the best films are aggressively personal; Noah Baumbach’s semi-autobiographical work “The Squid and the Whale” is a perfect example. Caught in the center of his parents’―both writers―bitter divorce, Walt (Jesse Eisenberg) tries to circumvent the pains of adolescence by imitating his father (see: poor role model) and reaching after some kind of literary precocity. He lies, he cheats, and he struggles against the anxiety of influence as his world makes less and less sense. At under 90 minutes, every single scene is essential; Baumbach’s wit has never been sharper than it is in this film, as the former lovers lob insults at each other behind walls of emotionally-detached double-speak and joint custody. With nods to Rohmer and Truffault, “The Squid and the Whale” articulates the difficulty of growing up and growing apart.

Even Kevin Arnold's little brother knows about the warp whistle

Hey there, got a few minutes? Great, then let me spin a little yarn for you. You’d better have a drink for this one, good thing I prepared this rum and coke ahead of time. What? Hmmm, tastes fine to me. Anyway, a profound revelation was imparted to me today, as I crafted a flute from PVC pipe following directions I found on the net.  Let me note first of all that I don’t actually know how to play a flute but after failing to forge a working woodwind from a branch of dead poplar earlier in the day, I needed an ego boost.  As the monumental plans to paint this flute orange and write “Warp Whistle” on it in order to woo hipster girls who enjoy reminiscing about retro video games they never actually played almost as much as they enjoy reminiscing about entire decades they wish they were born into, danced along my synapses, I was struck by a realization. No, of course I’m not alluding to you! Clearly you’re different. Here, have another drink.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I pictured myself playing the warp whistle theme from Super Mario Bros. 3 on this awesome DIY flute and realized that the warp whistle theme is identical to the hook from the Ocarina of Zelda: Ocarina of Time title theme! I wondered, was Nintendo just lazy and decided to recycle that melody or was there some deeper meaning I could fill up a blog post reading into? Well this is a blog post, so I think you have your answer. This is a blog post, right? Conversation? IRL? Huh. Did you finish that drink yet? Whoa, you’re not driving home are you? I don’t think you’ll be sober for quite awhile, you’d better let me take you home. Right now, actually.

Like I was saying, the allusion to the SMB3 warp whistle theme (played on an ocarina, by the way, another woodwind instrument) is hardly surprising considering the other connections between Ocarina of Time and Super Mario Brothers. Take a pull from this flask and I’ll tell you all about it. I love your headband, by the way, it really compliments that oversized waistbelt you’re wearing around your ribcage. So, in Hyrule Castle, the abode of Princess Zelda and citadel of the country of Hyrule, we can see though the courtyard windows a throne room, the walls lined with portraits. Help yourself to those pills in the glove box, by the way. They’re aspirin or something.

View of castle interior from courtyard window

Portraits, as we see here, of Yoshi, Princess Peach, and Mario respectively. Why in Farore’s name would these characters from a totally different Nintendo franchise be honored in royal portraiture? Are we expected to believe that Nintendo inserted them into the game as easter eggs? Light-hearted self-reference? That would be a much too parsimonious explanation to fill up a post with. No, I say! The real answer is plain as day! Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom must co-exist within the same game universe on the same planet! Your house is on the left, you say? Gotcha.

The most compelling evidence for this connection, however, is the existence of the characters at Lon Lon Ranch: Talon the jovial but perpetually sleepy ranch owner, Malon, Talon’s smoking hot barely-pubescent daughter, and Ingo the disaffected ranch hand. Have a look:

An overweight mulatto gent with a red shirt underneath a blue tunic with a grapefruit-sized proboscis, mustache, and caterpillar eyebrows. Now who do you know that matches that description almost exactly? You guessed it! It’s a-me, Mario! Here let me help you out of the car. Oh dear! You can barely stand up! It would be downright irresponsible on my part if I didn’t make sure you got to your door safely. And Ingo? Clearly he is Luigi. An older Luigi, bitter from years of being second banana to his vertically-challenged brother. Can you blame him, really? Luigi’s Mansion, need I say more? OK, I will. Mario is Missing. There you go. And that little red-headed tease Malon? Obviously the offspring of Mario and Princess Daisy, you know the seldom-mentioned red-headed princess that was just sort of forgotten after Super Mario Land until being reintroduced as a playable character in Mario Tennis. Oh no, be careful, silly! No falling down like that! It would be a heavy burden lifted from my conscience if you would just let me get you safely to your bed. I won’t take no for an answer!

So here’s my theory about the whole Mario-Zelda thing: Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom are neighboring nations that are on friendly terms. Mario and possibly Luigi, with the help of Yoshi and Princess Peach assisted one of the many previous generation Links in defeating one of the many generations of Gannondorfs and are honored to this day in the halls leading to the throne. At some point in the years between that adventure and that of Ocarina of Time Link, Bowser seized power in the Mushroom Kingdom forcing Mario, Luigi, and Daisy into exile in Hyrule, living on that ranch under the pseudonyms Talon, Ingo, and possibly Bridgett. I made that one up. Daisy gives Mario a child (Malon) at some point but dies of natural causes later, hence not being around the ranch anymore and Malon’s devotion to her mother’s memory via Epona’s Song.

That warp whistle theme in the Ocarina of Time title? Another homage to Hyrule’s “other” hero; Mario. Well I hope you enjoyed my little story. Oh, are you asleep already? Excellent. Excellent…

Like “Juno” and “Thank You for Smoking” before it, Jason Reitman’s third film “Up in the Air” is a light, surefooted comedy rooted in moments of genuine heart. Like Juno MacGuff and Nick Naylor before him, Ryan Bingham (George Clooney), the film’s protagonist, lives a lonely and somewhat troubled existence before he’s able, by uniting around his family, to transcend it. And like his previous work, “Up in the Air” is an achievement in technical filmmaking rather than one of emotional resonance; it is a solid, enjoyable indie film, but it is not as valuable or as enlightening as it purports to be.

The movie begins with a series of people being fired by the yet-unseen Ryan. Reitman presents these people, sobbing and stuttering, as a flip-book of corporate decline, using mostly non-actors who had recently lost their jobs. This casting choice never feels cheap or exploitative, instead imbuing the film with a sense of urgent verisimilitude. Once these first few are dispatched with, Ryan packs his things, glides through airport security, and flies―always American―to another city to repeat the process. His job, which keeps him on the road well over 200 days a year, is to remove others from theirs, to stand in for weak-willed bosses and help employees “transition” out of their old positions.

It’s thankless work, being the harbinger of unemployment―lonely too. With Ryan’s wry smile and graceful, almost floating steps, it’s easy to think that he regards his profession with a kind of unrealistic levity, but his commitment to doing it right reveals the respect he has for the people he terminates, even if he has to force himself to forget about them soon after he boards the next plane. When Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick), a recent graduate who plans to cut travel costs by championing video-conferencing rather than face-to-face encounters for firing employees, enters Ryan’s life of solitude, it feels like an intrusion. Not only is this bright-faced, serious-minded woman looking to interrupt his life’s rhythm, but also to rob him of the only other contact he has which are, strangely enough, the firings. Natalie lives behind a similar facade: outwardly confident but inwardly conflicted, even frightened. When Ryan asks her about the sound of thudding keystrokes that fills the cabin of their first flight together, she defensively quips “I type with purpose,” and we get the impression that this is not the first time she’s had to explain it.

Time stands still for Ryan. A slave to boarding passes and mini-bars, he isolates himself from meaningful human contact. His profession and demeanor have estranged him from his sisters―the youngest of whom is getting married―and he has no real friends to speak of. He treats family and coworkers with the same charming superficiality that he extends to those he fires on a regular basis. The soft smile, the even timbre, the compassionate eyes: all of these things, like Ryan, are fleeting. Though Natalie’s video conferencing idea is a clear signal of Ryan’s obsolescence, his static alienation is felt most poignantly in smaller scenes. When his sister refuses his offer to walk her down the aisle or when his neighbor, an old flame, gently rebuffs his once welcome advances―“I’ve started seeing someone”―we see that while Ryan has been living a routine, the world has moved on without him. During one of the motivational lectures he gives during the film, which identifies non-attachment as the key to successful business, he confidently asserts that “moving is living.” Ryan has, unfortunately, taken his own advice too literally; though he spends his days moving from city to city, he always stays in the same emotional place.

Reitman’s film, while not extraordinary, is worth your time. It is a sweet, funny look at a lonely man realizing he’s lonely, finally reaching out for all of the things he used to think weighed him down. Until the last sloppy and unnecessary 20 minutes, the film is comfortably paced and confidently rendered, moving Ryan through life and love (his on-the-road fling, Alex, is played by the irreplaceable Vera Farmiga) with relative ease, soaked in soft light and a grey-blue hue. Reitman’s auteurist presence is not, however, firm enough to make the film into something enduring.  “Up in the Air” is well-made, but will not necessarily be well-remembered.

-“This is madness.”—C-3PO, on the nature of war

-“We’ll be deactivated for sure!”—C-3PO, on mortality

-“There’s one!  Set for stun.”—Stormtrooper, on restraint

-“Don’t act so surprised, your highness, you weren’t on any mercy mission.”—Darth Vader

-“You are a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor.  Take her away!”—Darth Vader, on secessionism

-“We seem to be made to suffer.  It’s our lot in life.”—C-3PO, on existentialism

-“Look, sir.  Droids!”—Sandtrooper, believing that everything made of metal is a droid

-“We’re doomed.”—C-3PO, reflecting on mortality again

-“What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.”

-“Vaporators?  Sir, my first job was programming binary load-lifters.  Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”—Uncle Owen and C-3PO, on climbing the corporate ladder

-“Uncle Owen, this R2 it has a bad motivator.  Look!”—Luke, on criminal psychology

-“But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!”

-“You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done.  Now come on, get to it.”—Luke and Uncle Owen, on wage slavery

-“Well, if there’s a bright center to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from.”—Luke, on self-pity

-“You’ve got a lot of carbon scoring here.”—Luke, criticizing R2-D2’s appearance

-“Have you been in many battles?”

-“Several, I think.”—Luke and C-3PO, on PTSD

-“Well, my little friend you’ve got something jammed in here real good.”-Luke, on establishing human-cyborg relations

-“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”—Leia, on memes

-“Who is she?  She’s beautiful.”—Luke, on incest

-“Wait a minute, where’d she go? Bring her back!  Play back the entire message!”—Luke, frustrated by the disappearance of his pr0n

-“What message?  The one you’re carrying inside your rusty innards!”—C-3PO

-“I don’t think he likes you at all.  No, I don’t like you either.”—C-3PO, on ostracism

-“Please don’t deactivate me!”—C-3PO, on confronting mortality

-“Master Luke is your rightful owner now. We’ll have no more of this Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish!”—C-3PO, on bootlicking

-“There are two banthas down there but I don’t see any… wait a minute.  They’re sandpeople all right, I can see one of them now.”—Luke, it’s a trap!

-“Come here, my little friend, don’t be afraid.”—Obi-Wan, on the repeated victimization of R2-D2

-“You’re fortunate to be all in one piece.”—Obi Wan, on counting your blessings

-“Ben?!  Ben kenobi?!  Boy, am I glad to see you!”—Luke

-“The Jundland Wastes are not to be traveled lightly.”—Obi-Wan, on the counter-intuitive wisdom on not traveling lightly in the desert

-“Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.”—Obi Wan, on being a hermit

-“I think we better get indoors.”—Obi-Wan, on seducing lost farm boys

-“The sand people are easily startled but they’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.”—Obi-Wan, safari guide of the Jundland Wastes

-“There’s no sense risking yourself on my account, I’m done for!”—C-3PO, on melodramatic martyrdom

-“He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned fool idealistic crusade like your father.”—Obi-Wan, on Uncle Owen’s doucheness

-“An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.”—Obi Wan, yearning for the enlightened time of 20 years ago

-“Before the dark times, before the empire.”—Obi-Wan, misremembering the good old days

-“Vader was seduced by the dark side of the force.”—Obi-Wan, on the sexiness of the dark side

-“Surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together.”—Obi-Wan, on the Freudian nature of the force

-“You must learn the ways of the force if you are to come with me to Alderaan.”—Obi-Wan, moments before dropping his robe

-“Mos Eisley spaceport.  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”—Obi-Wan, but what about Coruscant?  You were there, dude, it was way worse.

-“I can take you as far as Anchorhead.  From there you can get a transport to Mos Eisley or wherever you’re going.”—Luke, goddamn dude, forget about those stupid power converters at Toshi station already

-“The imperial senate will no longer be of any concern to us.  I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the counsel permanently.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, given what we saw of the senate in the prequels, they probably didn’t put up much of a fight

-“Fear will keep the local systems in line.  Fear of this battle station.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on diplomacy

-“If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical reading of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.”—General Tagge, yeah unless they notice that giant exhaust port leading straight down to the reactor core

-“Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.”
-“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”
-“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels’ hidden fortress…”
-“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”—Admiral Motti and Darth Vader, on theocracy

-“These tracks are side by side.  Sand people always ride single file to hide their numbers.”—Obi Wan, on strategery

-“And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.”—Obi-Wan, on senility.  Stormtroopers?  Precise?  When?

-“That would lead them… home!”

-“Wait Luke, it’s too dangerous!”—Obi-Wan, who moments ago insisted that Luke accompany him on a dangerous mission to Alderaan.

“I want to learn the ways of the force and become a jedi like my father.”—Luke, I guess Uncle Owen was right

-“You don’t need to see his identification.”

-“We don’t need to see his identification.”

-“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

-“These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.”—Obi-Wan and stormtroopers, on the power of suggestion

-“We don’t serve their kind here.”

-“What?”

-“Your droids.  They’ll have to wait outside, we don’t want them here.”—Bartender, on irrational hatred of droids

-“He doesn’t like you.”

-“I’m sorry.”

-“I don’t like you either.  You just watch yourself, we’re wanted men.  I’ve got the death sentence on 12 systems.”

-“I’ll be careful.”

-“You’ll be dead!”—Luke and Doctor Cornelius Evazan

-“You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?  It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.”—Han Solo, parsecs are an astronomical unit of distance (about 3.26 LY), your attempt at a boast failed hardcore

-“Over my dead body.”

-“That’s the idea.  I’ve been looking forward to killing you for a long time.”

-“Yes, I’ll bet you have.”—Han Solo, on Han shot first

-“Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.”—Grand Moff Tarkin, on seduction

-“Travelling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy.”—Han Solo, on hyperspace vs. crop-dusting

-“I felt a great disturbance in the force.  As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”—Obi-Wan, on geriatric dementia

-“Don’t everyone thank me at once.”—Han Solo, on the importance of gratitude

-“Cause a droid don’t pull people’s arms out their sockets when they lose.  Wookies have been known to do that.”—Han Solo, on losing gracefully

-“You don’t believe in the force do you?”—Luke, on the force, which he himself just learned about earlier that day

-“With the blast shield down I can’t even see, how am I supposed to fight?”—Luke

-“I call it luck.”

-“In my experience there’s no such thing as luck.”—Obi-Wan, on the non-existence of luck but the existence of something similar and even more preposterous

-“That’s what I’m telling you kid. It ain’t there, it’s been blown away.”—Han Solo, on covering up his poor navigating skills

-“That’s no moon.  That’s a space station.”—Obi-Wan, on semantics

-“You can’t win but there are alternatives to fighting.”—Obi-Wan, even though they end up fighting and winning anyway

-“TK-421, why aren’t you at your post?”—Imperial officer, on micromanagement

-“The Princess?  She’s Here??”—Luke, well she’s definitely not on Alderaan

-“Prisoner block, cell 1138.”—Han Solo, on esoteric references to other Lucas films

-“Everything’s under control, situation normal.”

-“What happened?”

-“Had a slight weapons malfunction… but everything’s perfectly all right now”

-“We’re fine.  We’re all fine here now, thank you.  How are you?”

-“We’re sending a squad up.”

-“Negative, negative.  We have a reactor leak here now.  Give us a few minutes to lock it down.  Large leak, very dangerous.”

-“Who is this?  What’s your operating number?”

-“Boring conversation, anyway. Luke, we’re gonna have company!”—Han Solo, on discretion

-“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”—Leia, on prejudice

-“A tremor in the force.  The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.”—Darth Vader, on repressed memories

-“Into the garbage chute, flyboy.”—Leia, on anal sex

-“Get in there, you big furry oaf.  I don’t care what you smell.”—Han, on anal sex

-“Will you forget it I already tried it, it’s magnetically sealed!”

-“Put that thing away! You’re gonna get us all killed!”—Luke and Leia, use your imagination

-“There’s something alive in here!”

-“It’s your imagination.”—Luke and Han Solo, on animism and reification

-“Something just moved past my leg.”—Luke and Leia, dear god, I don’t even have to try

-“I got a very bad feeling about this”—Han Solo, on everything

-“Will you shut up and listen to me?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level.  Do you copy?  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!  Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!”—Luke, on sabotage of waste management

-“If we can just avoid any more female advice, we oughta be able to get out of here.”—Han Solo, on sexism

-“Look, your worshipfulness, I take orders from just one person—me.”—Han Solo, on anti-authoritarianism

-“Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?”—Leia, on racism

-“You seen that new BT-16?”

-“Yeah.  Some of the other guys were telling me about it.”—Stormtroopers, on esoteric perimeter droids referred to by model number

-“It’s them!  Blast them!”—Stormtroopers, on solving problems by blasting them

-“The circle is now complete.  When I left you, I was but the learner.  Now I am the master.”

-“Only a master of evil, Darth.”—Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on silly comebacks

-“Your powers are weak, old man.”

-“You can’t win, Darth.  If you strike me down I shall be come more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” —Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, on reincarnation

-“You should not have come back.”—Darth Vader, on Monday morning quarterbacking

“They’re coming in too fast!”—Luke, on anal sex of the rough and group-oriented varieties

-“We’ve lost the lateral controls.”

-“Don’t worry, she’ll hold together.  Hear me, baby?  Hold together?”—Han Solo

-“I got him! I got him!”

-“Great, kid! Don’t get cocky.”—Luke and Han Solo, on the virtue of humility

-“That’s impossible, even for a computer!”

-“It’s not impossible, I used to bull’s-eye womprats in my T-16 back home and they’re not much bigger than two meters.”—Some pilot and Luke, on animal cruely

-“They could use a good pilot like you, you’re turning your back on them.”

-“What good’s a reward if you ain’t around to use it?  Besides, attacking that battle station ain’t my idea of courage.  It’s more like… suicide.”

-“Alright.  Well take care of yourself, Han.  I guess it’s what you’re best at isn’t it?”—Luke and Han Solo

-“Look at the size of that thing!”—Wedge Antilles, that’s what she said

-“I’m going in.  Cover me, Porkins.”—Luke, making up hurtful nicknames for your obese comrades will probably not encourage them to protect you

-“Stay on target.”—Gold Five, quoting a motivational poster

-“Use the force, Luke.”—Obi-Wan, molesting Luke from beyond the grave

-“The force is strong in this one.”—Darth Vader, can’t think of anything clever

-“Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer.  What’s wrong?”

-“Nothing.  I’m all right.”—Rebel Base and Luke, on Luke’s luddite sympathies

-“You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home.”—Han Solo, more innuendo

-“The Force will be with you… always.”—Obi Wan, assuring Luke that he will continue to be sexually victimized for all eternity

-“Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I’ll gladly donate them.”—C-3PO, on the power of droid friendship

Playing dress up is fun.

Nothing can provide as much intellectual security as the conviction that one’s position is not only factually warranted but morally imperative. This position is evident in the writings of activist (I hesitate to actually confer on him the honor of being referred to as a “scholar”) Ward Churchill. His “history” is more polemic than anything and frequently cast in extremely Manichean terms. But the most insidious part of Churchill’s work is not the sanctimonious presentism that pervades his scholarship, but the extreme “ends justify the means” mentality that leads him to conclude that innocent people deserve to die – and the cover of legitimacy his reputation as a professor lends to that position.

Churchill gained notoriety outside activist/cultural studies circles in 2001 when he wrote an essay immediately after the terrorist attacks in September called Some People Push Back: On the Justice of Roosting Chickens. In that essay he recites a litany of supposed crimes by the United States, either against Iraq specifically or in defiance of international law more generally, some of which are correct and some of which aren’t. The important thing about the essay, though, is less the facts that he cites in it, but more the conclusion that he draws; namely, that the military/civilian divide should not exist. The people who worked in the World Trade Center, because they ultimately abetted the spread and maintenance of a global capitalist system that Churchill perceives to be oppressive, are thus collaborative and guilty “little Eichmanns” deserving of their fates.

Pure evil, according to Zerzan.

The Eichmann comment and the whole notion that doing anything except totally disengaging from modern society makes you the moral equivalent of a murderer stems from the philosopher John Zerzan and his respective understanding – I’d call it misuse – of Hannah Arendt’s concept of the “banality of evil” outlined in the 1963 book Eichmann in Jerusalem. Zerzan believes that the domestication of animals is wrong. Reading something like that, you might make the mistake of believing that he’s a fervent animal rights supporter. No, he just opposes agriculture. Seriously. Along with basically every other part of civilization. Basically, Zerzan makes the Luddites look like Steve Jobs. Churchill’s politics are not as insane as Zerzan’s (not even close), but their similar understanding of Arendt’s work is extremely distorted.

Arendt’s book revolves around her observations at the 1961 trial in Israel of Adolf Eichmann, the Nazi officer who had coordinated the holocaust. Arendt expected, along with most other observers, to find in Eichmann someone like Julius Streicher: a frothing at the mouth anti-Semite hell-bent on a pure German race. What she found instead was a relatively colorless bureaucrat who had abdicated all sense of moral responsibility and in the process facilitated one of the most horrific crimes in human history. Even in oppressive, totalitarian societies people can still resist policies like the ones that the Nazis sought to implement, but Eichmann, like most Nazis, chose instead to collaborate in their implementation. Arendt’s overall point was that people who are not evil can wind up doing extraordinarily evil things.

But the society Arendt was talking about was not the United States, it was an ideologically motivated totalitarian society with extensive mass mobilization of the citizenry that ultimately sought to completely annihilate entire groups based on their religion, race, sexual orientation, and political affiliation. True, the United States’ sanctions on Iraq killed innocent people. But that is something entirely different from an effort to wipe every Iraqi off the face of the Earth. And Saddam Hussein, after all, could have diverted at least a little bit of money from his crappy army to feed people had he wanted to, but he didn’t. The holocaust and Iraqi sanctions are difficult in degree and type, and the way the guilt is distributed is much more complex. But one need not resort to this kind of morbid calculus to identify the most enormous error in Churchill’s thinking. Eichmann, after all, was in the military, and was actually in charge of coordinating the holocaust. He was not an ill-defined cog in a massive system that does much, much, much more than simply abet killing people. Blogger zombietime, in his coverage of Churchill speaking at an anarchist book fair in the San Francisco area, summed up Churchill’s conclusion fairly well: “People with jobs are not humans.” He continues:

One wonders what Hannah Arendt would have thought if she knew that one day her study of Eichmann would be used to dehumanize an entire nation of people — which is exactly what Churchill did here when he said that “going with the program” (i.e. participating in society by, for example, having a job) “voids your humanity.”

Indeed. Churchill, because of the controversy ignited by his essay, was the subject of what may have been a politically motivated investigation by his employers at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Politically motivated or not, the investigation did find that he had committed what I would characterize as very, very serious instances of academic misconduct and that he had also lied about his own personal history on his job application. So while he may have been victimized for speaking his mind, it probably would have helped his case if he had not been a plagiarizer and a fraud.

I’m reminded in some ways of Bill Moyers’ interview with Judge Richard Goldstone. Goldstone’s view was that even though Israel was the subject of inordinate attention and harassment by the United Nations Human Rights Council, if serious crimes were committed during the course of the Israeli war in Gaza, they should still be investigated regardless. That the investigation itself was the result of an evident and persistent bias in the Council should not mean that Israel gets a free pass when it actually does commit crimes. Such is how I feel about Churchill. If, ultimately, the University of Colorado did single out Churchill for political reasons I’ll be ready to condemn that, but at the moment I’m only ready to condemn them for not holding up Churchill, or indeed all its scholars, to the same level of academic rigor that it did most recently.